Monkey Habits

(Brief overview of long-term observations in the natural environment conditions).

-- Preface

" I was asked to write this preface three weeks ago. I consider three weeks a suitable length of time before replying. To have replied sooner would have been to upset the delicate hierarchical balance between black monkeys and white monkeys.

I am honoured to be asked to say something about this book. To this day I am unsure as to whether or not I should be flattered or appalled at the familiarity I feel for many of the wise statements that are made.

Whatever the colour of monkey, their behaviour is fascinating. This work captures in an inimitable way the often unspoken story of plantation life. I would urge you to read it with a smile both on your face and in your heart.

In once again reading this work, echoes of the past come flooding back to me leaving me with one reassuring thought.

During the making of this book, I know that no monkeys were injured

P.S. Had this preface been written by a black monkey, you would now be reading page 23"

Adrian Marley

 

Prologue

This book is not about race, nationality or job title. This book is about nature, behavior and attitude.

 

History of Appearance

Once upon a time, three identical red-haired monkeys found out a bag of flour at a plantation edge and immediately teared it apart in curiosity searching for User’s Manual. Flour dust rose up into the air and crumbled down on the sweaty monkeys making them in a moment snow white from tail to nose.

The two monkeys went boasting about being the whitest in front of each other. Pretty soon the dispute turned into fighting and the two monkeys showered each other with peacock dung turning into dark black and shit stinking.

The third monkey watching the scene did not go into the fighting, it climbed up the nearest tree and continued its observations from there waiting for the development. When the two monkeys get out of force and nobody could win, they desperately raised eyes to the High Sky asking for an advice. In the height they saw the white monkey which spoke up to them in a confident and impressive voice: “Oh, you, the dirty black monkeys hating each other, as of now you will never wash yourself clean, you will never be able to separate flour from shit and become white again, you will never come to an agreement, this is because you preferred to look like each other, while I am unique. From now on, you should stay at the plantation collecting bananas for me, while I will stay on the tree ruling you over from here and keeping myself far from your black fetid skins!”

 

The Main Principles of Existence

  1. A black monkey behaves as a black monkey, because it knows that it is the black monkey. If the black monkey does not know that it is the black monkey, it anyway behaves as the black monkey and is not changing into the white monkey.
  1. The black monkey likes to say “No”. The white monkey likes to hear “Yes”.
  1. The goal of the black monkeys is to collect bananas. The goal of the white monkeys is to make bananas collected.
  1. The black monkeys publicly bite each other. The white monkeys never do this in presence of the black monkeys.
  1. If a black monkey collects many bananas, it will be given credence to collect even more. If a white monkey produce damage to many bananas, it will be given credence to damage yet more.
  1. As soon as a capable black monkey on its own initiative and effort will develop a desert from scratch into a record yield plantation, a white monkey from a backward stagnating place will arrive. The white monkey will take over leadership and start to teach the black monkeys on how to grow bananas. This will continue until performance dives to the low bottom and the black monkeys are blamed of all that. The white monkey is promoted to upper tree branch and forgets for a while to interfere with daily activity. Then, the black monkeys looking to become a white monkey and live on a tree, instead of the plantation, will grow and collect a record banana harvest. The white monkey will present this to the other white monkeys as of its leadership success and tremendous achievement. The black monkeys will be sent to the backward plantation to prove their skills again.
  1. A black monkey cannot stay alone. It needs somebody to hate. Otherwise it feels dull. A white monkey can stay alone and enjoy watching the black monkeys hating each other.
  1. Sometimes a black monkey hires the white monkeys, to make other white monkeys think of the black monkey as of a white monkey.
 
The Way of Life
  • The white monkeys live on the trees. The more important a white monkey is, the closer to the tree core it sits on a branch. The big white monkey lives on the tree core. Branches get sometimes broken and tree core is sometimes shaking. The white monkeys hold firmly on the trees squeezing their buttocks and balancing their extremities. If one does not now the background, this seems like they are either managing the situation or doing collective masturbation. If a branch breaks, a white monkey calmly falls down. The fall is viewed as if it decided to climb down itself. The falling white monkey can hit the other white monkey, then they fall down together. The fallen white monkeys rapidly climb on the other trees and get sit there with comfort. The big white monkey never pushes a white monkey out from the tree until the later finds a place on the other tree. Conclusion: A white monkey will never remain without a tree to sit on.



  • The black monkeys live at a plantation. The main desire of the black monkeys is to become a white monkey, give up collecting bananas, avoid living at a plantation and stop talking to the other black monkeys. The fewer bananas are collected by the black monkey the more proud it becomes, demonstrating to the other black monkeys: “Look, how white am I now!” Many black monkeys start to believe in that and try to collect fewer bananas too. When such approach spreads over and situation comes to a point threatening overall banana harvest, then the need for a white monkey occurs as only it can remind to the too far going black monkeys that they are the black ones. The black monkeys are invited to participate in a meeting in order to discuss banana collection issues in the language of the white monkeys and under their supervision. Following the rules, the black monkeys have to convince each other that it is important to collect ever more bananas in a friendly team spirit The black monkeys keep going in circles for quite a time. As the black monkeys can never reach agreement, each of them pretending to be the white monkey, the true white monkey has to say: “Stop fighting, the meeting is over. And now go back and start to collect bananas!” All of a sudden everything comes to its place, the black monkeys return back to the plantation even more hating each other, while the white monkey stays happy on the tree yet another time proving it is the white monkey. The white monkey can also invite the black monkeys to eat banana together at a place close to the tree and near to the plantation. Tree is required to make the black monkeys watch how nice it is to sit there, so that they still wish to climb it up one day. The plantation is required to make them remember from where they came and to where they will go. Banana food is required to send a message in its taste that there is only one way forward from the plantation to the tree – through the teamwork collection of bananas.



  • The big black monkey is the most licking and smart behaving black monkey which is there, then and as much approximated by the white monkey where, when and how much it wants to distance itself from the other black monkeys and daily issues of the banana plantation.

  • The big black monkey also lives at the plantation but it is allowed to sit under the tree from time to time.

  • The more staff is in a plantation perimeter security, the more humiliating is the procedure to get a pass and the more strict is the punishment for a black monkey that tried to steel one banana out of the plantation, the more easy and safe it is for a well respected white monkey to steel the entire train full of bananas.
 

Typical behavior in standard situations

  • When a white monkey is reading a morning newspaper sitting with comfort in its favorite armchair, the black monkey rushes into the room shouting in panic: «Sir! It’s a huge problem! Fire! We are all in fire! Everything is in fire!!!” Then the white monkey replies without any interruption: “Did you call fire brigade?” and continues to read the newspaper calmly.

  • The black monkeys like very much to complain on the other black monkeys, they enjoy telling the white monkeys about how difficult it is to collect bananas, how much do they need more resources and how specific the local conditions are. The white monkey replies on that: “You should more co-operate on your own level on the basis of existing resources. Bananas must be collected!”

  • The black monkeys do really need to be constantly praised, to be permanently told of how clever they are and to be repeated every time that nothing would ever work without them. The white monkeys do not need that at all. As they know it is true without any appreciation.

  • To underline its deep knowledge of bananas, the black monkey always warns everyone that it is responsible exclusively for a banana skin. Responsible for the other components like graft, fertilizers or palm watering are the other black monkeys that perform very poor and therefore prevent bananas from being ripen correctly. There are really many Chief Specialists on Particular Issues among the black monkeys. Such a deep knowledge and such a limited responsibility put sense of worries and scare on the white monkeys. They correctly think that the black monkeys want to make their name, instead of collecting bananas. So the white monkeys say: “We are in a simple business. We just pick up bananas and put them into the boxes”. The black monkeys are shocked but they can’t raise an objection against this simple fact.

  • The black monkeys responsible for bananas accounting have no personal access to the bananas and cannot bite them. Being bursting with envy, they start to invent yet more sophisticated control methods and start to implement more and more limitations on usage of step-ladders and baskets repair costs. When the black monkeys from the plantation wonder on “why it becomes so complicated?” they keep answering: “This is the Banana Legislation requirement”. If asked to present the Law that prohibits to bite even a small banana and demands it to be licked for 8 years till full depreciation, the black monkeys usually say: “The answer on your question is contained into that thick files which are stored into the 5-floor archives. You can go and find it yourself”. A black monkey never seeks the answer into the original source of information. It always tends to trust the black monkey accountant and passes over the legends from one generation to the other. When the surprised white monkey sees the black monkeys licking bananas, it thinks: “Now it becomes clear why it is required hundred times more bananas to feed a white monkey than to feed a black monkey. The black monkey has to lick instead of bite, as per their own regulations!” This is why when a white monkey sees a tired black monkey with a long tongue dying of hunger, the white monkey offers the black monkey to lick something but never gives it to bite something. The black monkeys have to compensate on such discrimination by placing an urgent request for procurement of stationery. The quantity of pencils put in the order to fill-in the banana registration books is as bigger than the total amount of existing bananas at the whole proportion, as the quantity of bananas to feed a white monkey is bigger than the amount required to feed a black monkey.

  • When meeting, the white monkeys frequently recall the names of the other white monkeys, types of the trees they used to sit on together, and keep asking each other: “Do you know that white monkey from that tree?” This question is seldom answered “No”. Normally they say: “Oh, I think I have heard of it. Please remind me what is it doing?” And then they will anyway find a common mate among themselves. By asking such questions, the white monkeys check if the other side is not false and belongs to the adequate quality of white. Conclusion: A true white monkey knows really many other true white monkeys and is obviously proud of that.

  • The white monkeys can also talk of the black monkeys. However, unlike talking about the white monkeys, they do not ask: “Do you know that monkey?”, but say: “This black monkey is really bad. And that black monkey looks smart.” A white monkey does not need to know the black monkeys. It only needs to be able to define between a bad black monkeys and a smart one. If a white monkey made wrong judgment of a black monkey, the white monkey is not found responsible as the choice was anyway made among the black monkeys and they are so unreliable being the black ones.

  • When the black monkeys meet among themselves on holidays, they talk only about collecting bananas, as this is the only thing they do. The white monkeys never talk about collecting bananas on holidays, as they never collect bananas. The black monkeys and the white monkeys never meet each other on holidays, as there is nothing common they can talk about.

  • The black monkeys are always defensive, protecting their plantation with the words: “This can never be true. My best monkeys could never say (do) this.” The white monkey says: “Thanks for your lead, mate. I need to check. One can expect everything of that bloody black monkeys.”

  • The black monkeys like to write long letters. They are afraid to speak up, as somebody may understand that this voice cannot belong to a white monkey. So they think that a long messy text will hide their black nature, fool the white monkey and make it to take them seriously. However, the more long and detailed the letter of the black monkey is, the less are the chances of this letter to be read by the white monkey. The white monkeys prefer to call each other on the mobile phone, even if they are not acquainted. It is so easy for the white monkeys to reach each other and check the identity by voice. If a white monkey is not going to be personally involved in assisting the another white monkey, it says: “OK. I will deal with this. Just drop me a note with the details.” The letter is needed to forward it to a black monkey with comments: “Do it a.s.a.p and do not mix up again!” Conclusion: If you need the white monkey involvement into your case – just give it a phone call and wonder what is the weather over there.

  • When the black monkeys hate each other, and this is their usual environment, they go into cross-fire, throwing pieces of shit. In a moment they are all in shit and start to call for the white monkey shouting: “You were the first! No, you were the first!” When the white monkey notices them reluctantly, the black monkeys start to run towards it to complain, attempting to touch the white monkey and gain its support and sympathy. The white monkey is not really happy. It says: “Fie, such dirty, stinking black monkeys! I do not care who, what and why threw first. Look, you are all in shit and now wouldn’t be able to collect clean bananas. Go wash yourself and get down to business immediately!”

  • The black monkeys trend to copy the habits of the white monkeys. They try to flap you on the shoulder and exclaim joyfully “OK mate!”, or kick in the ass another monkey threateningly growling: “Move!”, or be extremely thankful and friendly, looking touchy in your eyes and rustling: “We are so glad! Yes, yes, yes, yes. Consider it done!’ But the black monkeys are always mixing up how to behave, as they cannot define pretty fast who is in front of them: a white monkey or a black monkey. That is why they always get in confusing situations, either saying “Fuck off!” to the big white monkey or starting to lick the ass of the old black monkey in the new-fashioned suit. The white monkey behaves equally with everyone, dependant on what is going on rather than who is in front of it.

  • When a black monkey wants to lick the white monkey, it looks for an occasion to come in asking for an advice on a trifle question that is crystal clear from the beginning. The black monkey says: “I have worked out a solution for a huge problem and would like to discuss it with you as a wise leader. If this, this and this, it means that, that and that, is not it?” The surprised white monkey answers: “Yes, you are right. Do it exactly this way.” Then the black monkey goes away thinking: “How clever am I ! Even the white monkey had to admit it and now will value me even more than before!” Than the white monkey stays thinks: “Oh, such a fool black monkey! It is not capable to decide on such a minor issue! Yes, indeed, these black monkeys cannot survive without a white monkey. This is really why we are needed. We certainly justify our reach banana ration remuneration!”

  • Some black monkeys are very smart, as they think of themselves, in producing an impression of a Chief Specialist on the white monkeys. When the white monkey asks the black monkey to pick up a banana, such a black monkey says: “Well, I will do this in quarter 4, I have so much work to do!” The white monkey says: “I just need one banana. Bring it today, please.” The black monkey objects: “Oh, do you really think you know something about bananas? This is different from sitting on a tree in the forest. Bananas grow high on the palms, to get there you need a ladder that is always occupied. And even if you are lucky enough to book the ladder, the strong wind may blow you down, if you are not well trained and experienced. Experience, my dear, comes with long ages of daily efforts, working hard from sunrise till sunset. And it is only with coms and sweat the skills come to such a dedicated person sacrificing oneself to the beloved occupation. I am the well-known specialist, famous for dexterous banana collection across the largest plantations. As you can see from the numerous certificates on the wall, I am the honorable Master of Banana Administration graduated from the North Pole Banana Academy. All banana collecting society remembers my heroic achievements and call me hundred times a day to get an advice, etc. “ The white monkey will either listen patiently or just say straight ahead: “Be realistic. We are in the simple business of banana collections. As of now, you will pick up hundred times more bananas, make it ten times faster and for a half of current salary. And if you do not like this – fuck off from my plantation immediately.” What is key, is that the black monkey returns back and starts to deliver more, faster and cheaper. Though the black monkey feels hurt, as its deep knowledge was not evaluated, one should bear in mind that the initial request was just to pick up a single banana!

  • When a white monkey has nothing to do because all bananas are already collected by the black monkeys, the white monkey comes up with an initiative: “Why isn’t it worth sending my black monkeys to the nearest under performing plantation, where a white monkey sits dull on the tree and the black monkeys are fat and lazy. Let my smart capable black monkeys brought up by my talented guidance to assist their brothers get well organized.” As soon as the smart black monkeys get the message, they immediately go into action and disembark on the neighboring plantation full of enthusiasm. Nobody waits them there, as the white monkey just forgot to inform the other white monkey of its friendly plans. The smart black monkeys start biting the fat lazy brothers forcing them to climb palms and pick up bananas. Taking into account that climbing palms requires hard effort and proper attitude, the fat lazy monkeys run away to their white monkey to complain on unexpected assistants and blaming them for mistakes at their home plantation. Actually, as the smart active black monkeys dedicated all their effort to assist the neighbors, one banana at their home plantation was found not collected. Then the two white monkeys call each other on mobile phone and discuss the yesterday evening soccer game. After that, the winning team of fat lazy monkeys happily return back to lay in the sun and the smart active monkeys get two reprimands: first - for negative approach demonstrated on the neighboring plantation and second – for missed one banana pick up at their own plantation. On the next day the black monkeys from both plantation will have to attend a joint training developing initiative to achieve high performance through team spirit buildup.

  • When a black monkey is delaying banana collection due to the lack of resources or time, the white monkey can easily mention: “O.K. Then I will do it myself.” A chance to watch the white monkey collecting bananas despite all objective obstacles looks so terrific for the black monkey (“If it really picks up banana without a problem I would never escape from the job any more”), that the black monkey just throws itself into the mission with a scream: “Please, do not do it, do not do it!”. The white monkey looks really satisfied now (“The trick worked well and there is no need to climb the palm”).




  • High quality and consistency of bananas collection at the wide area plantations are only possible when the big masses of black monkeys are involved in that process on a daily basis. Some of the black monkeys become true professionals in their workmanship. These individuals become true record-holders in speed, quality and reliability of banana collection. Once such black monkeys find outs they are unique, they sooner or later come to the white monkey saying: “We are under paid, we work too hard and really get tired We have to collect more and more bananas every day, the other black monkeys are too silly, lazy and unreliable. If no such specialists as we are, the plantation will die and all the harvest gets spoiled. Listen to our demands, you, the white monkey, and then you will not be punished by the Big White Monkey for the poor plantation performance and damage to the harvest. Give three assistants for each of us, double our salary as we heard was done at all other plantations, send us to the Master of Banana Administration School and employ my sister as a Banana Research and Monitoring Monkey. “ These words do really piss off the white monkey as they interfere with preparation of a presentation on high performance banana collection at the plantation the white monkey was doing at that moment. The white monkey, unlike the black ones, is pretty clear on that overall harvest collection result depends on all black monkeys teamwork rather than individual records. Though there may be no individual performance records, the average result is more important in order to cope with plantation size and maintain bananas quantity. So the white monkey orders to put a big “More Teamwork!” slogan on the wall. It also requests the most flexible black monkeys, that have never collected bananas themselves but are willing to teach the others, to avoid climbing palms themselves, to arrange a series of boring and expensive trainings and development courses. On these trainings the black monkeys must draw circles, triangulars and quadrates, they get free drinks and meals, play games without losers and winners. All this is so long, painful and primitive, that by the end of the day the majority of the black monkeys clearly understand: if one became a professional, the next task is to smile wide and make others work the same way. If the others are not willing to, then you must collect bananas for them yourself without letting the white monkey bored with such a minor detail. Does it matter who collected bananas, if they are collected, and does it matter who did not collect bananas if they are not collected? Bananas must be collected. As for those very few silly record-holding black monkeys that still believe in their exclusiveness, despite all the investments done in their development, it is an easy way to deal with. They are just put at the mercy of the black monkeys’ pack. The white monkey says: “Look at these black monkeys! They think that they are more clever and better than you! Is it really true?” Then, the record-holding black monkeys start to give their last forces to collect ever more bananas, while the others do nothing but say what has been done in a wrong way. Then, in its turn, the black monkeys pack makes an attempt to keep up with the new high results. This results in the overall bananas collection performance growth, which is exactly what the white monkey needs. The hopeless black monkeys exhaust themselves and are no longer able to hold the records though still continues to calmly work hard. In a depression, the black monkeys may try to crawl to another plantation but the outcome will be the same every time. It is everywhere and always, that bananas must be collected, and it is nowhere and nothing, that can prevent the white monkey to make a nice presentation about that.